DO NOT READ

NOTE:  DO NOT READ THIS POST IF YOU ARE AT ALL SQUEAMISH.  I'm not kidding!  I am serious.  I'm going to attach a picture of something completely disgusting.  I had to see it in real life.  I had to DEAL with it in real life.  So I thought I'd make you all share in my experience and feel very sorry for me.  But I'm dead serious when I say STOP READING NOW.  Because I'm a good writer (despite what all of my English teachers said growing up).  I'm going to suck you in.  You're going to think this is a sweet post, but it's not.  See you're already sucked in.  So just quit.  Do it.  You will never be tempted beyond what you can handle.  This is your way out.  Take it.  Or get a trash can ready. You may want to vomit.  I did.

Randall was out of town this week.  So my heart is going out to all the single mothers right now.  It always does when he's away.  Being a parent is hard and we weren't meant to do it alone.  Years ago, Randall left on a trip for a few days and I stayed home with the boys.  We have a lot of fun when he's gone.  We make sure to plan special things to keep our spirits up because we all miss Randall.  By the end of the week, it was obvious that Isaac, Asher and I were getting sick of each other.  The boys were driving me crazy.  Constantly whining and misbehaving.  In the midst of a tantrum, Isaac had an epiphany.  "Mommy, I'm acting like this because I miss Daddy," he said.  What a smart boy.  He was sick of me and knew he needed his Daddy.

Well, I needed his Daddy today.  These boys are driving me up the wall!  I called Randall at 8:30am and told him he could pray for me because I'd already had enough of the bickering and bouncing off the walls this morning.  These kids have too much energy.

More importantly, I needed Randall this afternoon.  In a house where four boys live, I had to mow the lawn today.  I don't mind mowing at all.  I kind of enjoy it.  I'd much rather mow than clean the house, that's for sure.  But it's supposed to rain for the rest of the week so I have to get it done now before my house becomes the scary place where "the crazy lady who puts crap in trees in order to lure kids in so she can eat them" lives.

But Steve came out of the house to let me know that there's a dead bird in the yard.  Thanks Steve… That's got to be moved before I can let the dog out, much less mow the lawn.  So I wait around and text Randall and tell him there's a dead bird in the yard, secretly wishing his reply says something like:

"Oh no!  I'm so sorry!  I'll get it when I get home.  I'm hopping on the next flight.  See you in a few hours."

But this is the reply I got:

"Don't let Tabby get it."

So I gave him another chance:

"I know.  That means I have to get it." I write.

His reply, "Is it one of the baby ones?"

We have four baby chicks growing in our grill.

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Yep.  Our grill.  Randall saw some grass sticking out of our grill and opened it up to find it stuffed with grass and a nest hollowed out.  He cleaned it out once or twice but then one day we looked to find four blue eggs.  We decided to watch them grow.  They just hatched the other day!  Very exciting.

Anyway, unfortunately (?), the dead bird was not a baby bird. I would have handled that much better.  They're small.  Nope.  It was a big black bird.

Now is the time to stop.  If you weren't able to stand up to the temptation earlier, this is your last chance…

Ok…. Don't say I didn't warn you.

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And it looked like it had been dead for a while.  It smelled like it had been dead for a while.  Tabby had probably been the one that killed it and tried to take a bite. Thankfully, she didn't like the feathers?  I don't know.  I'm pretty sure she knew it was there and had had her way with it already.

So I decided to buck up and just get rid of it.  I covered a dust pan with a plastic bag.  Then I grabbed a large thick plastic bag to put the bird in.  I approached it.  Smelled it.  Saw all the flies already around it and cursed Steve.

Then I got up the courage and tried to get the dust pan under it.  The wind was blowing hard and the dust pan did nothing but over turn the bird.  That's when I first screamed.  Because this is what I saw.  I'll make it small in case you couldn't refrain yourself.  But you can click on it to see it full sized in all it's gory.

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Oh yeah.  Those are hundreds of maggots crawling in and out of the birds eye and ear.  I will never be clean again.  Long story short… I got it in the bag after I screamed a few more times.  No one came to my aid.  I had to bag the bird and then bag the bag from the dust pan and then seal them shut within a couple more bags to stop the stench or bugs from leaking out into our trashcan.  

I will never be clean again.  I will never be clean again. I will never be clean again. 

I'm not mowing the lawn today.

 

7 thoughts on “DO NOT READ”

  1. dear steveo. why did you not pick the bird up yourself? emily has enough to deal with day in and day out living with 4 (count them…4) boys. the least you could do is take care of a tiny decomposing bird. i think you owe emily big! sincerely, renee
    make him read this, emily. sorry you had to be grossed out! make steve take the boys for an hour and go take a long bubble bath. you deserve it!!! 😉

  2. I can’t get it right. . . . I knew I should have just dealt with that bird when I saw it this morning. . . . Ugh…. And after Emily made some awesome bread that I got a loaf of. . . . You don’t have to say it. . . I SUCK

  3. I literally had to cover my eyes just in case I got too scared. That’s absolutely silly, isn’t it? Covering my eyes while READING? Dork.
    Anyway, I chuckled a little bit too. But I did NOT enlarge the photo to look at it. Eeeewww!
    I’m also laughing a little because you actually took a photo of it before you bagged it.
    Oh! I have to say I love love LOVE the photo of the four babies in the grill. Awesome picture!

  4. You are a great storyteller. I laughed, I gasped, I was afraid and I was proud of you. Who needs boys anyway? You are strong!

  5. Not that I’m taking pleasure in your pain… but ahahahahaha! That’s just funny Emily… and Steve… for SHAME! Even if it is funnier that Emily had to handle it…

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