Speaking of…

Speaking of being vulnerable

My stupidity surprises me sometimes.

Thursday, Isaac had a doctor’s appointment after school.  I was well prepared for it.  I sent notes to school with the boys telling their teachers that I would pick them up from school and asking them to make sure they didn’t get on the bus.

We were also planning a garage sale for Saturday so I had a lot to do around the house.  I set an alarm on my phone for 3:00 so I would be sure to have time to get myself ready before I picked my kids up from school at 3:30.

I got a LOT done that day.  I worked hard and cleaned out every corner of Isaac’s room.  I went through all of the boys’ toys and separated them into Keep, Sell, and Trash piles.  I got rid of 5 trash bags full of garbage from Isaac’s room alone (how’s that for vulnerable?!).

I came to a stopping point around 2:40 and decided to hop in the shower since I had plenty of time before I needed to pick the kids up from school.

I turned on the shower and undressed and checked the clock one more time to make sure I was good to go.  It was 2:44 when I opened the shower door to step in.

Then it occurred to me.  MY KIDS GET OUT OF SCHOOL AT 2:30, not 3:30!!!!

WHAT WAS I THINKING?!

My body was shaking uncontrollably, as I threw back on my sweaty clothes and grabbed some sandals and hopped in the car.  I was still putting on my shoe as I pulled up to an empty parking lot at my kids’ school.  They were no longer waiting for me outside.

I threw my uncontrolled hair (see Vincent picture) in a ponytail as I rushed into the school.  The school secretary met me at the door with my kids and I smiled a thank you and walked the kids back to the car.

My foot didn’t stop shaking on the accelerator until I was halfway to the doctors office.  We made it just in time for our 3:15 appointment and all was good.  The kids had no idea that I had forgotten them.

Except, I never forgot them.  I was just an hour off on my timing that day!

I knew that the appointment was at 3:15. I specifically made it 45 minutes after the kids get out of school to give us plenty of time to get there.  And that’s what I was thinking about as I set my alarm that day, not the actual appointment time.

I have no idea how I thought my kids got out an hour later than they do every day (and have every day for the past three years!).

There is a God, friends! Thursday afternoon at 2:44pm, He showed up in my house.  And that’s all the proof I need.

Vulnerability

Vulnerable.

Being vulnerable is bad.  Real bad.  Maybe it doesn’t sound that bad, maybe it’s even a quality people aspire to.

Then you read the definition:

capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon

 

“Sure it makes sense that someone would see that as bad, but that’s not the meaning for me.  I want to be vulnerable with others, not in war,” you say.

Vulnerable definition #2:

open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.

 

Etc?!  There’s a need to put an etc. there?  I don’t want to be open to moral attack!  I don’t want to be open to criticism!  That sounds bad!  I just want to be me.  To be honest and authentic.

But that is vulnerability.  When you put yourself out there, you, yourself, are open to criticism and attack.

Not just your writing, but you.

That’s why I don’t tweet what’s really on my mind.  Like how the first thing I’m going to do when I get rich is buy a heated toilet seat.  I think about that every morning.  That’d be a great tweet wouldn’t it?  But I can’t let people think of me as human… using a toilet!  That’s vulnerable!

Or the fact that I think in 140 characters or less about how:

Emily Littleton @emilylittleton
I always feel my phone buzzing in my back pocket, when my phone is not in my back pocket… Is that a problem?  Should I see a doctor about that?
Expand

 

I didn’t even post pictures of my face after the accident (which I did take…) because I woke up and took the picture every morning to check on my swelling and I hadn’t done my hair yet in most of the pictures:

Emily Littleton @emilylittleton
Less whiskers, more oozy scrapes.
View photo

I led you to think it was the size of my cheek that made me look like Vincent, the Beast from the 90s TV series.  Nope.  It was the hair…

Here’s what the Bible has to say about vulnerability:

A fool vents all his feelings,
But a wise man holds them back.  Proverbs 29:11

See.  I knew I was right.  Don’t let them know you’re human.  Keep your tweets about your cold, vibrating, butt cheeks to yourself.

“It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.” Psalm 118:8

Aha!  I knew I couldn’t trust anyone.  I LOVE the Bible.

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.  2 Corinthians 12:9

Wait; am I supposed to tell others about my weaknesses?  I’ve told hundreds of people that Paul is my hero.  I HATE Paul.  Why did he have to brag about his weaknesses?

Because he’s human.  And so is everyone else.  And that’s what we relate to.  That’s what makes us feel comfortable.  That’s what makes us laugh and cry and feel like we’re not alone in this world.

That’s my favorite kind of writing to read.  The writers that are honest, and vulnerable and put themselves out there for all to see.  And love.  Or hate.  Or laugh at.  Or laugh with.

In order to represent God well, I have to be vulnerable.  Think about the stereotypical church ladies.

They snub their noses and tsk tsk everyone else without ever owning up to their own mistakes.  They have perfectly coiffed hair and ironed clothes and can play the drums better than anyone else you know.  I don’t want to seem like a church lady.  I’m NOT a church lady.  My hair is never perfectly coiffed (see above).  I do more damage when I iron than if I’d left it alone.  I have clean laundry sitting in a basket for weeks.  I only clean my second floor when people are going to see it (and no one ever sees my top floor, so I never clean it).  I’m an imperfect mom and a less perfect human.

Church ladies don’t make you want to know Jesus.  You know who gets the biggest slot at the revivals?  Not the church ladies, but the outcasts who have turned their lives around and now follow in Jesus’ footsteps. The people who screwed up big time and are vulnerable enough to tell you about it.  Those are the stories that move us.  Those are the stories that let us know it’s okay to love God and still be human.

This verse has really stuck out to me:

Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.  Proverbs 11:2

 

With pride comes the know it all blog posts.  The I’ll-pray-for-you-and-your-kids posts because I’ve got it all put together.

With humility comes honesty and admitting you don’t have all the answers.  And admitting that you screw up every day and you’re going to start saving money now to put your kids through therapy later (they can get their own loans for college).  With humility and vulnerability come wisdom.  Wisdom for others to learn from, wisdom for me to learn from.

So maybe I should absolutely keep my butt posts to myself.  But maybe I shouldn’t trash all the stories I write that make me feel vulnerable.  Maybe God can use those, too.