Looking for Me.

gold-oval-mirror-l-e27044dcce9ba1a4Call me self absorbed, I’m pretty sure I’m just human, but I go through life looking for me.  I read books looking for myself in the author or the characters.  I unconsciously compare myself to everyone I see.  Every message or podcast I hear, I relate to my experiences and I evaluate myself based on the new information I am learning. That’s normal, right?

I don’t mean to be egotistical, I just only know me. I only hear my own thoughts. I can only compare life to my own experiences.

I think in searching for myself in the world around me, I’m still really just trying to understand who I am and how God made me. I find that I’m not the person I used to be or thought I was.

As often as I’m looking, I never completely find myself in others. I am a perfectionist, but I’m a lazy perfectionist.  I’m just now realizing this because I’ve always been so laid back-except when it comes to a few things that are very important to me.  For instance, I’m an adamant rule follower.  I don’t care what you do, but I’m doing things the right way (or feeling super guilty about it).  At the same time, I am a skeptic at heart. I question everything and unless I know the reasoning behind it, I won’t follow your rules at all.  I am absolutely a feminist fighting the curse, but I also really love to serve my family and husband and I don’t mind putting their needs ahead of mine. I’m super passionate, but also very insecure (probably because I’m not perfect and I expect myself to be).  So when my heart leads me in a certain direction, my fear of failure makes me stay right where I am.

So I read these “self help” books and look for myself in the pages, but when I can’t find myself, it makes me feel I’m beyond help.

Aren’t we all looking to relate to someone else in this world?

Being unique makes me feel like I’m not doing it right.

Being unique makes me feel like I’ll never fit in; like I’ll never be able to connect with others in a meaningful way.

It beats me down and makes me feel like a failure.

 

But God created me, uniquely me, on purpose, right?  So I would have a new perspective and a refreshing voice in the midst of sameness.

When I feel like there is nothing new under the sun and that makes me feel like my life is meaningless because everything has been said already, I’m reminded that my voice has not yet been heard.  All voices are meant to be heard.

Right?

Please tell me I’m not alone in thinking this.

Please tell me I’m not alone.

Unique, but not alone.

4 thoughts on “Looking for Me.”

  1. Excellent post! Oh dearest Emily, you are not alone in speaking these words. Spot on for most, if not all of us, women especially!

    1. I guess we just need to quit comparing ourselves. That’s when we will stop thinking that everyone else has it all figured out while we feel like we don’t fit in.

  2. My dear cousin
    You are not alone. We all go through life searching for similarities not for egotistical gratification but to feel as if we are a part of something greater than ourselves. The awesome thing as I know we both know is we are part of God’s family which makes us so much more than anything we could have ever hoped to be. You are an amazing mother, daughter, wife, and friend. My favorite verse is the one about the birds of the air that God feeds and takes care of so how much more precious are we to him. Miss you my sweet cousin
    Anna

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