I had a really bad day yesterday. The details aren’t even important. It was just one blow after another, after another, ending with me crying to my husband, “I just need a win, Randall.”
We’re in a difficult season with our oldest kiddo. I’ve been contemplating a blog all about it. It was going to be a really good story starting like this:
I should have known that our relationship would be a struggle when the second they placed my firstborn on my chest he started peeing in my face.
True story… I would then go on to list all of the times I felt rejected by him. They would be witty, but sad. They would give you a picture of a running theme of hurt I’ve experienced in the past. You would feel so sorry for me.
I just wallowed in self pity yesterday. I got so sad thinking about my situation that I couldn’t take it anymore. My natural reaction in these times is to numb. My go to is to eat something that “I deserve.” But as I’m on Day 23 of a Whole30 and a natural rule follower I could not do this.
My second choice of numbing is watching TV. Unfortunately for me, I have made an unspoken rule that as a stay at home mom with kids in school, I just don’t turn on the TV during the day. I don’t know why I’ve equated it to drinking in my head, but I don’t watch TV alone during the day. I was out of defense mechanisms.
I had to go to God. But to be honest, I didn’t want to deal with the situation still. I wanted to numb, so I did my Bible study. I’m in the middle of two different studies. One about Exodus and one about Mary, the mother of Jesus. I did a week’s worth of both. In between, I wrote out a long prayer because don’t you know God speaks to you about where you are even when you’re trying to avoid it.
In my study on Exodus, the author wrote, “Just as God promised to go with Moses, He promises to go with you. Tell God your objections, fears, and concerns. Then let Him help you.” Here’s the deal: God has asked me to parent my kids, even when it’s hard. That’s where I’m being called right now.
So I prayed. I told him how hard it was and how I don’t know how to parent most days. I’m concerned that the actions I’m seeing today will take this kid on a very dark path. I know as a Christian, I’m supposed to cling to God’s promises but there just aren’t any promises about how our kids will turn out. That’s what I would wish for… to know that everything’s going to be okay. That whichever way the path takes us, it eventually will lead to a strong and kind man who follows hard after God.
As I was complaining to my husband last night about how hurt I am, how bullied I’ve felt, God was whispering in my ear the whole time. Today I’ve got some clarity and a few things God wants me to remember in trying parenting times.
2.) Real love keeps no records of wrongs. There is no benefit in me holding on to hurts from the past. I like to hoard them and stack them up in my mind. But it just weighs me down. No good comes from it. What happened on the day my baby was born and when he was two years old has nothing to do with what he did today. I have to forgive him for things he unknowingly did that hurt me. Forgiving means I don’t ever bring them back up or use them against him. That’s not fair and it’s not helpful.
3.)I need to address the source of the issue. Disciplining the reaction does not solve the issue or prevent it from happening again. If my baby is angry and does something vicious out of anger it doesn’t mean he’s a jerk, it means he doesn’t know how to handle his own anger. Give him better tools.
4.) What he has done in the middle of a hormonal crash does not mean he will be a felon when he grows up. Things said and done in anger do not reflect his true thoughts. Dealing with the issues today often means that tomorrow is better. While we are in this parenting gig for the long haul, what’s happening right now will not happen forever.
That being said, do not name your kid by the wrong actions he’s committed. Stealing candy does not make him a Thief. Beating up his brother does not make him a Bully. Lying about … everything… does not make him a Liar. He is not his sin. He is my son and occasionally makes bad choices. When you call your kid by his bad choices, he’ll think that’s all he’s worth. He may think he’ll need to live up to what you’ve called out in him. So call out his greatness. Call out the strengths. I named my boys Laughter and Blessed. May their lives always reflect those names.
5.) My whiny prayer yesterday has changed today. Yesterday, I yelled at God because I want to know the future. I want to know that everything is going to be okay. He told me that I don’t need to worry about it. That His promises do apply to our situation. He promises to be with me and never leave me alone in parenting. He promises that when my challenging boy told God on multiple occasions that he believes that Jesus is who He says He is and wants to follow Him, that He sent His Spirit to live inside of my boy. God says in John 10:27-28 that He holds my boy in His hands and no one will ever snatch him from them. That tells me that in the end, I can be sure that everything will be okay wherever this bumpy road leads.
So today, I am praying that I see my boy through God’s eyes. They span time and space. He knows that yesterday’s actions do not define my kid. He knows that whatever he has done, my baby is worthy of love, grace, and the ultimate sacrifice. They are not just God’s masterpiece but He has good planned for my boys. I know that too. I just forget sometimes.
God, I’d much rather be called to pastor a church or free a nation of slaves, but you have called me to be a mother. You have called me to train my boys in the way they should go: following the way of life that Jesus showed us. Loving others well and serving them. It’s a hard job, God, and I feel the weight of its importance every day. Give me the strength and patience, the peace, gentleness, and wisdom it takes to parent two beautiful boys. Help me to see my boys through Your eyes and love them as You love them. Thank you for being the best example in parenting. May our lives honor You.